John Mulaney and My Anxiety

Today I offer you one of story about my favorite person in the world.

Honestly it’s really frightened me when I need to talk about people that I like, because afraid one day they will become the worst one (I think it’s just part of my anxiety who talk). 

Have an good image for people who still alive and can change in future kinda juggling your emotion, right?

google images

google images

google images

But still I want to appreciate it when they still make my heart bloom because of happiness.

John Mulaney is a comedian that I never felt had any cringe content and in many stories that he shares I found pieces of me. His emotional struggling more resonated than anyone else that I know. His point of view of life especially made me more aware about what my future will become.

Today I watch one of Mulaney interview on Stephen Colbert show when they talk about crisis identity. John said when he was child and his mom said “you used to be funny and I think you can do it so naturally” then it made him think that he always needs to offering comedy and laugh to people around him. It hit me so hard.

Photo by Caju Gomes on Unsplash

Photo by Caju Gomes on Unsplash

One of my lowest state of mental health was when I found out I need to do something for the sake of people’s love. I need to fulfill their expectation. There is nothing like love without intention. There is always intention. That’s a fact but for me, a struggling of love kinda person and a validation seeker, that’s fact made me dying instead.

I was so naive. I want people to like me just because of me. I want they see the real me not their imagination. But on other side, because of my anxiety I feel the need to not let anyone see the real me. 

It took me 2 to 3 years to calm myself, to break down all of my anxiety and learning how to not expect things from and for others. In this case, I think alot of people would relate to my story. Our world right now kinda messing up right?

One of message that’s work for me and I think you also need to hear is learn to separate how people feel about you and how you see yourself.  

Photo by Patrick Perkins on Unsplash

It still on me. That’s trauma which made me become people pleaser, unhonest person, emotional vulnerability or anything you name it. Sometimes I don’t even know which one is the real me among all of this fakeness. But perhaps I learn to being friend with it, accept all of my scars, and my ‘not so great’ past. I hope you so. Because no matter how different our circumstance are we all still human.

Bicara tentang emosi pribadi selalu tidak mudah bagiku. Meski di sini, tempat yang aku anggap gua pelarian. Aku masih kadang menggunakan bahasa Inggris untuk membuatnya tidak terlalu berdampak emosional secara pribadi. I try to calm it down slowly. Hope you can understand and take one or two lesson from this.